“I just want us to have a really cute weekend away,” Eliza decided. So my girlfriend and I rented a tiny wood cabin and headed up to Lake Arrowhead for Labor Day weekend. We arrived Saturday afternoon and unloaded our stuff. After Eliza had thoroughly admired the 1940’s stove we went on a short hike to explore. That night we had dinner at a divey Chinese restaurant that served their mai tiais with tiny umbrellas. Our server called Eliza “Taylor Swift” and she loved it. It was a very cute day.
The next morning we found ourselves walking around the village down by the lake. There wasn’t much to do without a boat permit so we ordered some margaritas at an outdoor cantina and grabbed a table to people watch.
We hadn’t been sitting for more than ten minutes when a middle-aged woman came up to us and asked to share our table. We nodded and she waved over two more men who sat down with her.
“Where are you guys from?” the man closest to me asked. I wasn’t looking to make friends, but Eliza pretty much always is and was happy to engage with the guy.
“We’re from Los Angeles,” she replied.
“That’s great. I’m Steve,” he smiled and shook our hands. He motioned to the woman next to him, “This is my wife, Jan. We live in Orange County, but we’re here staying at our lake house for the weekend.” Jan said hello and gave us her hand as well.
“This is Phil,” Jan introduced the third member of their party. “Steve and Phil have been best friends since college.”
The three of them continued to make chitchat. I figured we should just make small talk with these people for a little bit and then we would get on with our day.
“Phil and I play a game in my Porsche whenever we come up here,” Steve said. “We like to push it into the turns and see how fast we can take ‘em.” Phil laughed at the thought of the game and looked over to us for approval.
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June 24, 2014 Jan giggled. “I follow behind them in our SUV and tow the boat. I always get
here an hour after they do!” Our new friends were rich and they wanted us to know it.
“Looks like you guys are done with your margaritas,” Phil observed. “I’ll buy you another round.”
“That’s okay. I have to drive,” I told him. I tried to signal to Eliza that we should wrap this up.
Jan wouldn’t hear any of it. “Get them the platinum margarita,” she instructed Phil with a wink. Then she turned to us, “A lot of people don’t know this but they make one that’s twice as strong for the same amount of money. It’s what we’re drinking.” Steve smiled and nodded in agreement. Eliza turned to me and shrugged. I told Phil sure thing to the platinum margaritas and off he went.
While Phil was gone Steve recounted his days as a professional dirt bike rider, and told us his career was cut short when he busted up his ankle. He also told us that Phil has been a pilot his whole life and owns a small plane. Jan seemed very proud of the both of them. I couldn’t help but feel like these people were trying really hard to impress us.
“You have a very attractive girlfriend,” Phil told me as he returned with the platinum margaritas.
“Thank you,” I said. Had he unbuttoned his shirt while he was gone?
“She has beautiful blue eyes,” Phil continued about Eliza, “You’re a very lucky guy.” Eliza looked to me with a big smile on her face.
“Thank you,” I repeated. For hitting on my girlfriend right in front of me, I thought.
“Hey, man. I’ve got a hot young girlfriend myself,” Phil explained. “She’s Asian. But she’s back in Florida, so I’ll see her when I get back there.” Weird story, Phil, and you can’t have my girlfriend in the meantime.
“Have you been out on the water?” Jan asked Eliza.
“No, but that sounds like fun.”
“You have to come with us on our boat! We’re about to go out,” Jan was very
excited and Steve nodded with her enthusiastically. Jan wanted to take this party
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June 24, 2014 out onto the water and I could sense something more behind her white smile and
blonde hair, her tan skin and exposed mom boobs.
I told them that we had dinner plans and should probably stick to dry land
for the time being. Jan, although disappointed, said she understood. Phil suggested another round of platinum margaritas. I looked into my glass and realized that I had, in fact, fished mine. On Jan’s encouragement Eliza and I agreed to one more.
Everyone was very excited when Phil came back with more platinum margaritas. We were all very chatty at this point and conversation moved pleasantly from life in LA and OC to Jan and Steve’s kids to what it’s like having a house at the lake. Then Jan popped the question again.
“You guys want to go for a ride on the boat?”
Eliza and I looked to one another for the answer. I could tell that she
wanted to go on the boat ride and, as it turns out, two platinum margaritas will definitely make a person forget any reservations they have about a situation. So I said sure, why not, we’ll do a quick ride on the boat. Eliza beamed with excitement and Jan jumped up from the table ready to go. Then it became clear to me. Everything had lead to this. Jan’s inviting conversation and uncovered cleavage. Phil’s short shorts and open Hawaiian shirt. Steve’s impressive stories about extreme sports. I was 100% sure they want to have sex with us.
The five of us boarded the sex boat and we left the safety of dry land behind. Eliza and I sat down at the stern, with Jan next to us and Phil across sitting port. Steve was our captain. Phil immediately produced a cooler from somewhere on the boat and passed out cans of Coors Light to everyone. I cracked mine open and as we headed to deeper water was acutely aware that there was no escape from the sex boat. Even if one of these adults made a move on me, I wasn’t going to jump in the water and swim for it. That would destroy my iPhone.
“Want to see what this baby can do?” Steve asked us. Eliza gleefully nodded. Steve hit the power button on the stereo and started blasting Rihanna because he’s a cool dad and then punched the throttle and we were off.
We covered most of the lake as Steve zoomed around and gave us a tour. Jan proudly pointed out houses that were famous for the people who lived or died in
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June 24, 2014 them. It seemed like she was getting closer to me every time she wanted to get my
attention. I tried to concentrate on what she was saying, and on the outside I’m sure I looked interested. But on the inside I was wondering how exactly they were going to initiate sex with us. Maybe they would start going at it. Or Jan would grab Eliza’s boob. Or maybe they follow Emily Post’s rules and politely ask us to join in intercourse.
But the bigger issue was how to decline Jan, Steve and Phil when the inevitable happens. They had been perfectly nice to us up to now, and I didn’t want to have to yell at them or say something that would hurt their feelings. I could probably explain that the whole situation is just a crazy misunderstanding and we’ll laugh and laugh. I glanced over at Eliza for reassurance. She was extremely calm for someone being held captive on a sex boat.
“Have a little fun for once!” she yelled at me over the roaring motor and punched me in the arm.
The boat slowed and we began to drift in the middle of the lake. Steve turned the music down and changed it to Jack Johnson, because he’s a cool dad. I could sense the vibe shifting. Phil passed out more beers. Was it just me or were Phil’s shorts riding up a little higher? And why was Phil’s shirt completely open now? Did Jan’s boobs get bigger or did her top get smaller?
“What’s really great about the fish here is…” Steve began to say something boring about fishing. Again I looked over to Eliza and saw that she really was having a great time. Maybe I was approaching the sex boat all wrong. Could I have sex with these people? I looked over at Phil. I looked at Jan. It’s not like they were that old. If nothing else it would be a funny story to tell my grandkids. Hey, if they wanted to watch Eliza and I do it that’d be totally cool. I’m not saying we would blow their minds or anything but it’s not like we’re slouches either. Like I said before, two platinum margaritas plus two Coors will make a guy forget his inhibitions and get totally down with a sex boat.
Someone had to pee so Steve took us back to the dock before any actual sex could actually happen. Eliza thanked them all profusely and we walked away. I sighed and put my arm around her.
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June 24, 2014 “We were very lucky that boat ride ended when it did,” I remarked.
She turned to me. “Why?”
“Because we were just on a sex boat. Jan, Steve and Phil definitely wanted to have sex with us.”
“A sex boat?” she asked me, disgusted. “Please tell me you didn’t just spend that whole time thinking about having sex with those people.”
“I didn’t!” I assured her. I did. What a cute fucking weekend.